Friday, August 3, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Mass Mail
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man.'
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be a sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
Super Computer
Illustrated jokes
Joke: Ball replacement!
Super Computer
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.
"Where is my father?" he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.
Clever Guest laughed.
"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!
It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."
Illustrated jokes
Joke: Ball replacement!
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
Toaster Refund
Okay, so this lady goes into a shop and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?"
She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts! "
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I’m getting screwed!"
Her money was refunded.
Wrong Directions
Open Wider!
Double clicking
Joke: Cell Phone
Joke: Technical Support
Joke: Ball replacement!
Wrong Directions
This drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"
So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel. The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service", states the drunk.
The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table.
The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table. When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."
Open Wider!
Double clicking
Joke: Cell Phone
Joke: Technical Support
Joke: Ball replacement!
Open Wider!
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, and then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says, "No, I'm trying to get them out."
Joke: Cell Phone
Joke: Technical Support
Joke: Ball replacement!
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Joke: Again this company!
Again this company!
I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U.S. Marines.
My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.
The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pickpocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.
To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers.
In your opinion, should I, or shouldn t I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?
Joke: Cell Phone
Joke: Technical Support
Joke: Ball replacement!
Joke: Husbands Performace
Joke: Cockpit!
Cockpit!
A burly good `ol boy Texan on a flight flags down a steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink but I don`t see the stewardess around".
The steward answers, "Actually I`m not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I`d be happy to get you a drink".
Passenger: "Wow, what does the captain think of that?"
Steward: "She`s all for it, in fact, the entire flight crew is female."
Passenger: "I don`t believe it!! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!"
Steward: "Actually sir, we don`t call it that anymore."
Joke: Cell Phone
Joke: Technical Support
Joke: Ball replacement!
Joke: Husbands Performace
Joke: Cell Phone...
Cell Phone...
A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won`t believe this but I`m standing in front of Giovannis and there`s a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They`re giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it`s absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won`t believe it but he said he`d let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you`re the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I`m not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown`s place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It`s on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it`s on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it`s not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It`s a steal!"
"I guess we`ve got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can`t wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who`s phone is this?"
Joke: Technical Support
Joke: Ball replacement!
Joke: Husbands Performace
Joke: Diagnostic computer!
One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.
"His friend said, " Don`t do that. There`s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
Jeff figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren`t yours. Get a lawyer. And...if you don`t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Joke: Technical Support
Joke: Ball replacement!
Joke: Husbands Performace
Joke: Radio Cometition
One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?
Shane: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Shane: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o`clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Shane ?
Shane: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter: 10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Shane: Ohhhh , I can`t say that.
Presenter: There`s a holiday to Bali at stake here Shane !
Shane: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Shane, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Shane: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Kylie, how are you ?
Kylie: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We`ve got Shane on the other line, say hello.
Kylie: Hi Shane.
Shane: Hi Kylie.
Presenter: Now Kylie, we`re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Shane and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Shane: Just tell the truth Honey.
Kylie: O.K.
Presenter: Kylie, when was the last time you had sex ?
Kylie: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can`t say that on radio.
Shane: Kylie, it doesn`t matter. I`ve already told them.
Kylie: O.K. ... About 8: 00 this morning before Shane went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Kylie ?
Kylie: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That`s close enough ... Shane was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Kylie, final question. Where did you do it ?
Kylie: Oh no I can`t say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There`s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Shane: Kylie, I`ve already told them so it doesn`t matter anyway.. just tell em.
Kylie: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass !
Joke: Technical Support
Joke: Ball replacement!
Joke: Husbands Performace
Friday, June 1, 2007
Cyber Sex !!!
Cyber Sex !!!
Often the fantasies typed into the keyboards and shared through the internet. However, as you`ll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat.
Wellhung:Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a mini skirt and high heels. I work out every day, I`m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36c-24-36. What do you look like?
WH: I`m 6`3" and about 250lbs. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Walmart. I`m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner....it smells funny.
SH: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
WH: OK
SH: We`re in my bedroom. There`s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I`m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
WH: I`m gulping, I`m beginning to sweat.
SH: I`m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
WH: Now I`m unbuttonong your blouse. My hands are trembling.
SH: I`m moaning softly.
WH: I`m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
SH: I`m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I`m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
WH: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidently rips a hole in your blouse. I`m sorry.
SH: That`s OK, it wasn`t really too expensive.
WH: I`ll pay for it.
SH: Don`t worry about it. I`m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
WH: I`m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think its stuck. Do you have any scissors?
SH: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I`m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.
WH: How did you do that? I`m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
SH: I`m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
WH: I`m dropping the bra. Now I`m licking your, you know, breasts. They`re neat!
SH: I`m running my fingers through your hair. Now I`m nibbling your ear.
WH: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
SH: What?
WH: I`m so sorry...really...
SH: I`m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
WH: I`m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
SH: OK. I`m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
WH: I`m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeee!!!
SH: I`m pulling up my mini skirt. Take off my panties.
WH: I`m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm...wait a minute.
SH: What`s the matter?
WH:I`ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I`m choking.
SH: Are you OK?
WH:I`m having a coughing fit. I`m turning all red.
SH: Can i help?
WH:I`m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I`m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
SH: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
WH: I`m drinking a cup of water. There, that`s better.
SH: Come back to me, lover.
WH: I`m washing the cup now.
SH: I`m on the bed arching for you.
WH: I`m drying the cup. Now I`m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I`m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it`s dark, I`m lost. Where`s the bedroom?
SH: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
WH: I found it.
SH: I`m tuggin` off your pants. I`m moaning. I want you so badly.
WH: Me too.
SH: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing against each other.
WH: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
SH: Why don`t you take off your glasses?
WH: OK, but I can`t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
SH: I`m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby
WH: I have to pee. I`m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
SH: Hurry back, lover.
WH: I find the bathroom and its dark. I`m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
SH: I`m waiting eagerly for your return.
WH: I`m done going. I`m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can`t find it. Uh-oh!
SH: What`s the matter now?
WH: I`ve realized that I`ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I`m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
SH: Mmm, yes, come on now.
WH: OK, now I`m going to put my...you know... thing.. in your...you know...woman thing.
SH: Yes! Do it, baby! Oh yes!!
WH: I`m touching your smooth butt. It feels nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I`m having a little trouble here.
SH: I`m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can`t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
WH: I`m flaccid.
SH: What?
WH: I`m limp. I can`t sustain an erection.
SH: I`m standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
WH: I`m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I`m going to get my glasses and see what`s wrong.
SH: No, never mind. I`m getting dressed. I`m putting on my underwear. Now I`m putting on my wet nasty blouse.
WH: No, wait! Now I`m squinting, trying to find the night table. I`m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hairspray, and your candles.
SH: I`m buttoning my blouse. Now I`m putting on my shoes.
WH: I`ve found my glasses. I`m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I`m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
SH: Go to hell. I`m logging off, you los.
Joke: Technical Support
Joke: Ball replacement!
Joke: Husbands Performace